Two final bridal pieces and they key to a happy marriage

Do you believe that a Marriage can be easy?

Effortlessly fun?

Effortlessly romantic?

Effortlessly exciting?

Effortlessly VERY happy?

Effortlessly honest? Supportive? Effortlessly strong?

I do.

Before you misunderstand me, please know that my life is not perfect by any means. I have ups and downs like everybody else.

Except in one area: My marriage to Cliff.

I decided to share this intimate aspect of my life, not because I feel the need to “brag” about it, but because my marriage, with all its small lessons, is not only one of my greatest teachers in life, but continues to bring out the very best of me… including the Artist, and VeruDesigns as a business.

I’ve been married for over 10 years (which can be a short, or long time based on your perspective). Our time together has been filled with growth and challenges: Life-threatening illnesses for both of us, death of loved ones, career crisis, etc, etc. But also years of enormous happiness, travel, success, making dreams come true as a couple and individually, all the while we keep falling in love with each other, a little more, every day.

My own experience has me convinced that, in spite of the magnitude of challenges that every marriage will face in its lifetime, I know it’s possible to have an “effortlessly happy” one. And I also know that it’s possible without working hard and struggling to make it so. And it’s possible for everybody. I don’t think we are special or more lucky than anybody else.

I’ve been thinking and thinking over the last week: What has been the KEY INGREDIENT that has been the most impactful, for us in particular?

And it finally hit me.

– > It’s not that there is ONE soulmate out there that completes us perfectly, and that WE are one of the few lucky people that found each other! (I know it sounds romantic, but it’s a very limiting and over-simplified way of justifying unhappiness in a relationship).

– > It’s not about “learning to compromise” against our true will.

It’s kindness.

Yes. Kindness. Uncensored kindness. Genuine kindness towards ourselves and each other. Genuine is KEY, because when we’re genuinely generous, any compromises become effortless, and at that moment they cease being compromises.

After coming to this realization, as if by magic, an article came to me (by The Atlantic) called “Masters of Love“, which describes “the science behind lasting relationships“. A must read by the way, and a scientific report confirming my own conclusion (click here to read it).
 So, what do I mean by kindness?

Kindness is a “state of being” that manifest as an attitude. It’s a beautiful feeling of wanting to express love in small and big ways all the time through your words and deeds, without fear of being rejected. In a nurturing environment, kindness becomes your “automatic” setting (so to speak). A true effortless way of being that can transform all your relationships forever.

This is certainly what happened to me.

It’s not that I was “unkind” before I met my husband. But more or less, I grew up believing that all relationships, including marriages, were by definition a balancing act of love and war. They implied as many “laughs and kisses” as “fights and getting hurt”. I never thought one could have “the good” without having the “bad”. As a consequence, like most people I became a “hesitant” girlfriend, a hesitant friend, a hesitant team-player and so on:

“I’ll be nice for as long as you are nice to me. If you hurt me, I’ll hurt you back.”

Basically the “eye for an eye” rule.

Now, the very first thing I noticed when I began dating my husband was his gentle nature. He was incredibly comfortable in his kindness and vulnerability. He said and did lovely things for me whenever he felt the impulse for it, never wondering whether he came across as too interested or not enough. Never “measuring” his words and actions.

We both fell in love quite rapidly. I was almost scared by how fast I was falling for him. This is why sometime during our first week as a couple, as things were going so well (too perfect in fact), I decided to “steer our happy soup” a little bit, to see if “we could handle it”. And what that means is, I decided to start a small fight, to see if we could survive it.

And so, I improvised a joke where I made a fun of him.

But he did NOT follow the script as expected!

Instead of throwing a playful insult back at me, he went right to the heart of it, and said:

“That is not funny at all! Why would you say that to me?”.  

He was genuinly confused. And his answer really shocked me. I wasn’t prepared for that. And it was this single incident that changed my mindset forever. That day we drew a line. A line of respect that we knew we didn’t need nor wanted to cross. Ever.

There are many things I learned from that point on, but here are 4 of my own favorite takeaways, so far:

1) No matter how upset you feel, don’t cross the line: Having a clear line of respect in the relationship, I believe, is key. No matter what legitimate disagreements we may have in the future, they will be discussed within the limits of respect. And not because we have to, but because we care about each other, and because it hurts to hurt the other. No cursing at each other, no throwing out horrible insults that we can never take back. What most people don’t realize is that unlike physical wounds, words never fully heal. They get stored subconsciously in our “jar of resentment” that can explode when we least expect it. Each new insult opens the gates to a whole new level of madness and mean-ness. Boundaries can prevent a lot of hurt over the years.

2) Kindness is not a personality trait, it’s part of your being: Kindness can sometimes be associated to weakness in some societies; and parents have a dramatic influence on whether little kids “un-learn” the kindness that we are all born with. Regardless of our upbringing, it is still part of our core. Of who we really are. We don’t need to “learn” to be kind, we just need a bit of time to remember it. It’s like every other muscle. It takes intention and a bit of practice. But not much, because it isn’t truly “new” to us.

3) Genuine kindness eliminates “compromises”: Compromises can feel like a big sacrifice in many relationships. The truth is, (and facts will back me up here), a compromise “feels like one” only when we do something against our true will. But when you have a practiced sense of love and kindness with your partner, his/her happiness matters too much. You care too much about their own fulfillment in life, about their peace of mind, about their interest, their dreams, that you want to help to make them happen. And viceversa. And somehow, you begin seeing “opportunities” (even for yourself) where before there was only sacrifices. Big changes, big adjustments become easy decisions. A few examples I can share from our own small experience are the time that my husband closed his business for a year, so that he could move with me to Bolivia, because I needed and wanted to be with my parents after my brother’s death. Or the time, I told him that I really wanted to move to Philadelphia, and we did. Or the time he wanted to start a new business, which meant we had to move from our beautiful home to a much smaller one, etc, etc.

4) How to know you’ve mastered kindness:  When your spouse’s so called “flaws” begin feeling/looking more like “awesome uniquenesses”, you’re there.

The best part is that, your kindness expands into everyone else you know. And I credit that to my extraordinary relationship with my parents, siblings, and little by little with my closest friends.

There is a lot for me to continue learning in this life.
Do you have any life-lessons learned because of your own marriage and/or other important relationships?
Is there an insight you’d like to share?

I’d LOVE to read your thoughts/comments below!

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